Sunday 5 February 2023

Atlantic Writer Reveals How Magic Trinket Made Her Hate Her Gas Stove Even More

 At least one Left-wing crackpot has come thisclose to figuring out that they’re all making each other crazy over stuff so stupid that the rest of us can barely follow along. Perhaps there’s hope.

Writing in The Atlantic, Katherine Wu reveals that she finally sprang for an “Aranet4” air quality monitor when the Left abruptly decided roughly five minutes ago that gas stoves were the latest existential threat to mankind. She confessed that she had thought about getting one a couple of years ago so she could go full-Karen and carry it around to somehow detect COVID in public places, but was daunted by the $250 price tag. But the news that gas stoves were slowly killing all of us compelled her to pony up last month.

The Aranet4 is made by a company called SAF Tehnika in Latvia, where you just know they have been at the forefront in the battle for clean air, and where no one would dare cook over a gas stove. It is three square inches of plastic and metal, according to Wu, and, according to me, probably costs about 50 cents to manufacture. It can make sounds and even tell you if the air in your home is making you stupid, although if you already bought one …

When Wu, who naturally lives in a tiny East Coast apartment with multiple cats, fired up the gizmo, it told her there were 1,200 parts per million of carbon dioxide in the air. The helpful manual from the hilarious folks in Latvia informed her that this cut her brain function by 15%! Terrified, she opened a window and wore a coat and ski pants inside her home.

But the Aranet4 barely budged, even though Wu was freezing. Numb and feeling dumb, Wu tried to go to sleep alongside her husband, whom she refers to as a “reeking sack of respiring flesh” (Okay, that’s funny). The Aranet4 ominously warned that the carbon dioxide level in Wu’s apartment was now at 1,400 parts per million! That, according to the manual, meant her brain was only working at 50% capacity.

Who among us wouldn’t love to find out that a secret force in our apartment had been cutting our brainpower in half for years, and now we could be twice as smart if we just got an electric stove and maybe a spouse who didn’t snore? I, for one, could stop making fun of Atlantic writers and get serious about helping Elon Musk colonize Mars.

Wu, to her credit, seems to have realized that she could never please the Aranet4 as long as she lives in an urban shoebox and eats cooked food. Sure, she could increase her intelligence by moving to a rural area where she could live in a bigger house, breathe fresher air, and be surrounded by nicer, saner people, but we all know that’s not an option for certain folks. The only thing left to do was find an “expert” who could say, “There, there, Katherine.”

An environmental engineer Wu sought out told her not to worry because there are way more pollutants in the air inside her apartment, some of which are much worse than carbon dioxide. The Aranet4 is really not that reliable anyway, the engineer said, adding that what Wu really needs is a HEPA filter. Another expert told Wu that he uses a $20,000 “research-grade carbon dioxide sensor” in his lab. But if it took two years for Wu to save up and spring for the Aranet4, that’s probably not in the cards.

Wu, who said the whole episode has left her worried about the air quality at the post office and Trader Joe’s, finally got the meter in her apartment down to the 800s by leaving the window open six hours a day, running a fan, and giving up on using her stove.

You might not know it from her latest article, but you have to believe the improved air quality in Wu’s apartment finally has her brain cooking with gas.

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