No one knows what you’re talking about, Grandpa! (26 Photos)

1

People on the internet were asked the question, “What are some favorite/peculiar sayings/phrases said by your parents or grandparents?”, and the responses are pure metaphorical gold.

2

When I got lucky/did it the way grandpa wanted it:
“The sun shines on a dog’s ass some days.”
-ITworksGuys

3

Stepdad when someone asks an obvious question about why he’s gone somewhere:
“Well, we’re not here to fuck spiders.”

If asked if he’s busy:
“Flat out like a lizard drinking.”

Something that breaks a lot:
“goes down more than a blind hooker in a cucumber patch.”

A not particularly bright person:
“few spanners short of the toolbox” or a “few biccies short of the packet.”
-CrankyLittleKitten

4

The Seven P’s:
“Plenty of Prior Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance.”
-Hey_Waffles

5

when making some risky driving moves:
“Hold on to your bippy!”
-Olita333

6

Instead of “I hope so”, my mom would say:
“Good lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.”
-SociallyAwkward423

7

Whenever my grandpa was driving and someone another car made a bad maneuver:
“If assholes could fly, they would darken the sky.”
-TheFistula

8

When my grandma couldn’t remember what she was going to say, she’d follow it up with:
“Musta been a lie.”
-vaalhallan

9

When my mom was pissed at someone:
“I could snap his/her neck like a stale breadstick.”
-MermaidOnTheTown

10

My Pappaw after eating my Mom’s casserole:
“I’m going to have to put a screen door over my asshole to keep the rats out.”

Pappaw the day after said holiday dinners:
“That shit went right through me like a dose of sauce through a goose.”

My great-grandpa when someone would talk too much:
“Sounds like a bell clapping in a goose’s ass.”

If I asked my Dad when I was little where my mother went:
“She went up a hog’s ass to get a ham sandwich.”
-UmericanDreamer

11

Every time. My whole childhood. When I would say “I gotta pee” my dad would say:
“I gotta bean.”
–_Bad_Wolf_-

12

My grandpa, every time I got a haircut:
“Did you get your ears lowered?”
-volvoguy33

13

“Shit fire and save the matches.”

“Sweatin’ like a whore in church.”

“Colder than a witches tit.”

“Tough titty said the kitty.”

“Slicker ‘n (than) shit.”

“Finer than frog hair.”
-ccprice12

14

When referring to a red-haired lass:
“She’s red on the noodle like a pecker on a poodle.”
Or
“that’s the kind of gal that could make you write bad checks.”
-1toke

15

I recently wrote down all of the weird things my older family members say…
“Shaking like a dog shitting peach pits.”

“Darker than 3 feet down a cows throat.”

“Slicker than snot on a doorknob.”

“Flatter than piss on a pine board.”

“Handier than a spare dick.”

“Happier than a pig in shit.”

“Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?”

“Does a cat have an asshole?”
-clefayble

16

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it between sex and syphilis in the dictionary.”
-steinweg

17

When my grandma discovered something she liked (food for example):
“That’s gooder than snuff, and ain’t near as dusty.”

When you encounter a difficulty:
“That ain’t no hill for a stepper.”
-SquintWestweed

18

If someone was cheap my mom would say:
“He wouldn’t pay a nickel to see the Pope wear tights.”
-gtmbphillyloo

19

A few from my dad:
“You can fall in love with a rich man the same way you fall in love with a poor one.”

”Enough is enough and enough is too much.”

If you were talking too much:
“Empty barrels make the most noise.”

If you asked where something was:
“If it was a snake it would have but ya.”
Or
“How much will you pay me to find it?”
-Waywocket

20

If my dad didn’t want anything to do with something:
“Not my monkeys, not my circus.”
-coughinginthenight

21

When my mom is going to bed:
“It’s time to do what I do best.”
-adastrally

22

Dad, describing someone whose clothes were way too tight:
“Ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack.”
-BSB8728

23

“It’s hotter than the crack of the devil’s ass on the fourth of July in a heatwave.”

“did it hurt?” (yes) “then don’t do that.”

“you know what really chaps my ass?”

“well fuck a duck and smack my ass.”
-SenorDongles

24

My grandma liked to say “help, murder, police!” anytime anything when mildly wrong. But if you told her something went wrong she’d always say “tough titties”.
-darburst

25

“Be decisive. Right or Wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision.”
-thestonez

I actually really like that one.

26